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You Have an Excess Amount of Faggotry
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[Friday,
August 19th, 2005] |
Im dabbling in a sinners life style and it never felt so good to be bad.
Ive seen a world none of you straight edge kids will ever see.
Pleasure is my middle name.
Worried about the path Im on? Its just a little game, to you, I know.
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[Monday,
August 1st, 2005] |
Ive just got to say.. Im done with fucking everything.
I hate being rejected. I hate putting myself out there for it to only be thrown in my face. When was it that God decided I can have no god damned happiness or love or affection or anything?
Im never to damn good enough for anyone..
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| sense at alllll |
[Sunday,
July 10th, 2005] |
| [ |
mood |
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 dankenfull |
] |
| [ |
music |
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ffaf - track 6, lol im using winamp. |
] |
Dear Lord I cant thank you all enough for friending me on here - Its so refreshing actually having a spot I can relfect and vent and not worry about judgement.
So wonderful, the whole damn lot of you!
Oh and pyro XD Who isnt on my list but reads my entries every time I update.
Just want to say thanks for putting up with my insanity... for real. >:-P
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[Sunday,
July 10th, 2005] |
| [ |
mood |
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 ohh smiley! |
] |
Long time no type fest.
I have some ideas for a show, as in a TV show. Now this is how it starts ya'll.
Ok I don't know how it starts but how can I decide that? All I know is what I want to torture my audience with.
One segment is sort of a comparison. I came up with this one where you compare dogs and fish as pets. hahahahaha it was so funny, you'd really have to jump in my brain to know why its hilarious.
Another was not what to do during a burglarly.
Yeah its a work in progress but oh that was so much fun dreaming up a video I could make once I get my ... dealy.
Sorry I have a hangover. 0-o
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[Wednesday,
June 15th, 2005] |
I had my sims sit there and look at the clouds to contemplate the meaning of life. Even they didn't get it. As a punshiment for them being so selfish about their needs and wants I made them sit there and took all their free will away until they wet themselves. Bravoity and such.
Now Im going to throw my cigarettes out into my kiddy pool and watch them drown and be vanquished of all usefulness. Huzzah.
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[Sunday,
June 5th, 2005] |
| [ |
mood |
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 disappointed |
] |
I want someone to say, "I love that girl, shes so incredible"
Not everyone has someone, and I never really pay much attention to it.. youre friends are supposed to be more sensitive I thought. "Oh well, shes single and has had a lot of boy trauma, shes damaged goods." What the fuck ever. Its not like theres something horrible about me that makes me unbearable to be around.
Or is there?
Someone please just tell me that Im capable of attracting people, that Im not an ugly peice of shit and that Im worth someone's time.
Heres a pic, I dno, you decide, AM i too ugly to get a guy? 0_o
P.S. I like you so much, I dont know how to tell you... </3
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[Friday,
June 3rd, 2005] |
Would You..
[_] give me your number?
[_] kiss me?
[_] let me kiss you?
[_] watch a movie with me?
[_] let me take you out to dinner?
[_] let me drive you somewhere
[_] have a fling with me?
[_] let me buy you a drink?
[_] take me home for the night?
[_] Would you let me sleep in your bed?
[_] Sing car karaoke w/ me?
[_] re-post this for me to answer your questions?
[_] let me give you a piggyback ride?
[_] Come pick me up at 3 am because my car ran out of gas in the middle of nowhere
[_] Lock me in your room and take advantage of me?
[_] dance with me?
[_] let me make you breakfast?
[_] help me with homework?
[_] tickle me to death?
[_] let me tickle you?
[_] stick up for me if i was being put down?
[_] SAY YES IF I ASKED YOU OUT?
[_] instant message me?
[_] greet me in public?
[_] hang out with me?
[_] bring me around your friends?
D0 Y0U...
[_] think im cute?
[_] want to kiss me?
[_] want to cuddle with me?
ARE WE...
[_] aquintences?
[_] friends?
[_] in a relationship?
AM i...
[_] smart?
[_] cute?
[_] funny?
[_] cool?
[_] loveable?
[_] adorable?
[_] annoying?
[_] great to be with?
[_] attractive?
[_] mean?
[_] odd?
HAVE Y0U EVER...
[_] thought about me?
[_] thought there might be an "us"?
[_] found yourself wanting a kiss from me?
[_] wished i were there?
[_] grabbed me?
[_] had a crush on me?
[_] wanted my number?
[_] had a dream about me?
[_] been distracted by me?
ARE Y0U...
[_] done with this survey?
[_] happy you know me?
[_] mad at me?
[_] thinkin bout me?
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| remember that disco shit? |
[Wednesday,
June 1st, 2005] |
laYER ONE: On the Outside
- Name: Sarah Elizabeth Hildebrandt
- Nickname: Fuzz or Fuzz Head 0_o
- Birth date: December 15, 1987
- Birthplace: Royal Oak, MI
- Current Location: Utica MI
- Eye Color: Interhanging blue/green
- Hair Color: Beats me, I dont know what my hair color IS anymore.
- Height: 5'4'?
- Righty or Lefty: Righty
- Zodiac Sign: Sagittarius
LAYER TWO: On The Inside
- Your heritage: 25% polish, some indian and some hick.
- The shoes you wore today: DKNY sandals and my mock all stars from payless :P
- Who you look like: when my hair was really red people said i looked like that chick from Resident Evil
- Your weakness: A big fat unavailable to the stalkers on the internet. Seriously. But Id have to say boys with the smarts.
- Your fears: Burning, losing something very special to me.
- Your perfect pizza: The works. thats all you need to know.
- Goal you'd like to achieve: Go to Europe in February <3 Graduate High School. Fall in love.
LAYER THREE: Yesterday, Today, Tomorrow
- Your most overused phrase on IM: haha or XD
- Your thoughts first waking up: Mmmm, that was... oh... *jumps up when realizing it was a dream*
- Your best physical feature: Eyes
- Your bedtime: 11:30pm- 1am
- Your most missed memory: Having a close knit group of pals
LAYER FOUR: Your Pick
- Pepsi or Coke: Coke bihotch
- McDonalds or Burger King: Neither. fucking mcshit.
- Single or group dates: single
- Adidas or Nike: adidas
- Chocolate or vanilla: White is better. XD
- Cappuccino or coffee: Capp
LAYER FIVE: Do You?
- Smoke: Occasionaly.
- Cuss: CONSTANTLY
- Sing: A lot
- Have a crush: ..... yes.
- Think you've been in love: :)
- Like high school: Fuck no, cant wait to bust out.
- Want to get married: It will make the bills a lot easier to pay. But not yet.
- Believe in yourself: Well I should.
- Get motion sickness: Sometimes
- Think you're attractive: Rarely
- Think you're a health freak: hahahaha...
- Get along with your parents: Eh....
- Like thunderstorms: I used to play meteorologist outside and pretended I knew the difference between clouds. My parents thought I knew what I was talking about too.
- Play an instrument: Harmonica, some keyboard, kazoo, and guitar
LAYER SIX: In the past month...
- Drank alcohol: Yeah
- Smoked: I think the last was last month XD
- Done a drug: I wanted to but no.
- Gone to the mall: Like five times
- Eaten an entire box of Oreos: oh GOD we talked about that in Nihon.
- Eaten sushi: Nope
- Been on stage: Except that stage in Barnes n Noble with Kevin. We rock the childs reading section XD
- Gone skating: No
- Gone skinny dipping: Never ;)
- Dyed your hair: I need to soon though
- Stolen anything: Nope
LAYER SEVEN: Ever...
- Played a game that required removal of all clothing: No.
- Been trashed or extremely intoxicated: Yeah, got alcohol poisoning.
- Puked from alcohol: Not.
- Been called a tease: hahahahahah yeahhhh.
- Gotten beaten up: No, I owned everyone Ive fought with. Which was two people but so what? 2-0 record is still pretty swell.
- Shoplifted: Got caught, juvenille lessons, got expunged. end of story.
LAYER EIGHT: Getting Older
- Age you hope to be married: 24-26
- Numbers and Names of Children: 2, I put my fav girl/boy names in one of my other surveys
- Describe your dream wedding: Simple, small, and sensational.
- How do you want to die: Doing something heroic, like saving a pack of chillens from a raving mad bear on coccaine.
- What do you want to be when you grow up: Ok, here goes. Meteorologist, Singer, Writer, Journalist, Actress, Marine Biologist, Flight Attendent, Psyhic, Used Car salesman, Thrift Store Cashier, Shoe salesman, Freelancer, Dog Walker, DOC consultant, Veteranarian. Go back in the past and I wanted to one of them at one point in my life.
- What country would you most like to visit: IRELAND
LAYER NINE: In a partner
- Best eye color: Blue
- Hair color: Black/brown
- Short or long hair: Shorter, but a little longer. I like side parts, in fact im fecking bonkers for boys who wear side parts.
- Height: Taller than me, thats all that matters.
- Weight: It doesnt matter, if their personality is as big as their size, so be it.
- Best articles of clothing: I like jeans, that are Dickies or sort of baggy. I have to admit emo boys turn me on.
LAYER TEN: In The Numbers...
- Number of drugs taken illegally: One, weed.
- Number of people I could trust with my life: Zak
- Number of CDs that I own: 50?
- Number of piercing: 2, all healed up though.
- Number of tattoos: none
- Number of times my name has appeared in the newspaper?: once, in my grandmas obituary....
- Number of things in my past that I regret: if you know me, you know my philosophy
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| Ive got a secret. Dont you wish you knew. |
[Wednesday,
June 1st, 2005] |
Right, so. Today was amazing.
Bought a guitar from the dollar store, a fall out boy shirt, my chemical romance shirt, and Spin magazine. OH and the new cd from MSI. OH and Napoleon Dynamite lippy. AND a pony with red polka dots on it.
Sorry, when I get giddy my sentences fragment all over the place. <3
Finished writing this song called "Im leaving". My mom said it sounded like a taking no shit song, as in a girl so fed up with a boy she just had to write a song about it. I may record it/play it so you can rip it and tell all your fucking friends.
WOW Im bursting at the seams.
I think I screeched my tires twice XD
OH!
And I got lemonade
two cookies
and new makeup for a buck :)
Im taking pictures so expect those shortly.
*throws love in the air*
what a fag.
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[Tuesday,
May 31st, 2005] |
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I have nothing to offer you. So forget it.
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| yes. its just one of those mother jazzin days. |
[Tuesday,
May 31st, 2005] |
Thanks for the virtual bitch slap.
God Im so sick of people. You arent right, nobody is wrong, nothing makes sense, everyone is evil, no one lives for anything but money, we all fall down into six feet eventually... or in my case a small jar full of ashes.
I hate feeling this way about situations, I hate being such a wuss.
I despise it when people assume things about me, like Im a ditz or Im just another stupid clingy attention whore.
All I want is someone to talk to and relate with. Thats all Ive fucking wanted from anyone for the past few months - a true friend, someone I can bond with and wont flip out over every meticulous, meaningless piece of shit detail.
Mission Impossible class five.
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[Sunday,
May 22nd, 2005] |
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honestly im about to call it quits. im sick of your fucking mind games.
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| this is just for the people who only invest time in this journaly. XP |
[Saturday,
May 21st, 2005] |
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mood |
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hungry |
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music |
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momstuffnherfacew/layspotatochipsfeaturingsourcreamnonion |
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Right, so, I dont understand how someone can apologize and then basically call you a sadisitic sick freak.
I dont like fights, I dont like picking them and I dont like being in them. Quite frankly it gets awfully hot in awful places when I try to argue and do verbal jarring with others.
I hate sensless, careless people. I hate hypocrites. I also hate people who claim that they know me and "understand" my feelings.
Want to understand my feelings?
Ok, Im hungry. I want to go out and by pizza but probably wont for fear of chubbing up. I went to the Library and got this book called "Angus, Thongs, and Full Frontal Snogging", and since I walked, at the time I was quite thirsty and hot. Today I had no feelings, I am a hormonal hungry monster atm.
Im shaking.
The after affect of eating nothing all day.
You know what else?
I dont think people should apologize and then take it back because theyre afraid they might be wrong. As if I cant make mistakes, I didnt always pick the fights, and I stood up for myself when I got hurt, which was a lot. Im sorry I have ideals, Im sorry I have a voice. Wait. No Im not.
And if any of you guys pick a fight with me, realize, of course I want to win. I dont like losing, and who does? Thats almost stupid to point out, also a little childish. You cant lose, mleh mleh mleh. Youre nit picks are full of sarcastic, bitting, hurtful comments and that hurts my feelings. Well thats what a fight is for, its not to be nice and I certainly dont consider it a time to play around with dodging of my feelings and the like.
Anyways, im off to get some Papa Romanos.
Today is the beginning of a slowly progressive fat Sarah H.
I want to take self defense lessons so I wont be fat. And I can defend myself.
Oh and a crazy story coming up about yesterday.
Cheerio.
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| so fucking depressing |
[Thursday,
May 19th, 2005] |
To heal means to move on.
And I will walk around torn and shattered for the rest of my life... because I cant get over it, I cant heal.. I refuse to move on.
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[Thursday,
May 19th, 2005] |
Is there anything beautiful or promising left to my future?
Is there no one new to meet, or to get to know that I can connect with?
Is my hope a waste of time?
Im losing you and I cant even breathe... youre walking away and leaving me to bleed. An open surface wound suffocated but not allowed to spread. These bandages I place are efforts to curb the disease... but the bandages are as diseased as the affliction itself.
Think about it.
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[Wednesday,
May 18th, 2005] |
I dont understand why I feel so depraved and empty. Everday, no matter how great it is, I get this overwhelming sence of depression and anxiety that is completely uncalled for.
I know what's missing, and I know I cant have that right now. I also know it would make things a lot better if I did have this certain thing Im lacking in... but thats to private even for my more exclusive journal.
You see Ive come to hate people, despise their very rotten immoral existance. Yes, I know, I write stories about paralyzing a theif and fucking her when she cant even defend herself - but thats my relief. Its proof to me all the more that people are internally self serving and wicked. I cant stand that everyone is so emphatic when they hear themselves talk - there's a point where you have to listen.
I just wish that my last year of high school (next year bihotch) will go a lot better than this one. I dont want a rollercoaster dramatic emo song of an existance - I want a stable, dependable and yes, somewhat bland senior year. At least than I went be teetering on the edge of insansity.
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| skin is in. -- me |
[Monday,
May 16th, 2005] |
| [ |
mood |
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 anxious |
] |
I remember that story, about ... no, I dont remeber that story. I dont remembery any story.
I looked in the mirror and touched the glass, thinking I saw someone else on the other side. Fear overwhelmed me and I keeled backwards, looking up and down at my body and not recognizing the skin i was in. Everything seemed different... or did it? Was this all some sick twisted dream?
These werent my nails, wasnt my hair, wasnt my body- who the fuck am I?
I cant believe one day I have memories and a diary and friends and a pair of presiciption glasses that focued correctly with my eyes. Did I have that really? really?
REALLY???!!?
This cant be happening to me, I seriously cant digest this. Every minute that passes I feel like Ive had no past, that everything is just a blank pallete like the ones we start off at when were born. Born? Did I pop out of a vagina in full human form? Did my spirit lose all its experiences and thoughts, only to pop out into a beautiful display of tearing vaginal walls of an unfortunate woman?
What the fuck had happened to me?
I crawled back up on the dresser, inching back up to the mirror. I went slowly, letting my forehad pass the boundary and lifting myself with wierd, shakey muscles.
And in the background there was nothing - darkness.
I touched the mirror and it fell apart in my hands, and soon the walls began to cave in on me.
In a second I was sitting in a flat of wood siding, floating down a river. I was thirsty and terrified, so I reached my hand out catiously to get a handful of water - but my hand dissolved and the flesh hung off it.
Ha, wouldnt that be cool, I thought, to drink and dissintegrate from the inside out?
....
....
After that I realized skin really is in.
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playwachainsaw's journal
